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The Spoilering: Batman V Superman


When found out visionary director Zack Snyder was screening his latest film, Batman V Superman: Dawn Of Justice, for some Hollywood execs, we knew we had to crash the party. BlondeFury, maluba and Manx hopped the Warner Bros. Studio fence, sneaked past dozens of armed guards and made their way to the showing. They walked into a small, dimly lit theater to find Mr. Snyder sitting all by himself in a middle row…



Zack: Hey, guys! You must be the Japanese investors. Konichiwa!

Manx: Huh?

Zack: Welcome.

BlondeFury: Right. Itchy bra to you too.

Zack: Thanks!

maluba: What are those ambulances out front for?

Zack: Ohhh, right. Yeah, I just got done screening it to some Chinese investors and a few of them didn’t make it.

BlondeFury: They died?

Zack: No no no. But don’t sit in the front rows. There were some bowel control issues.

maluba: Are they OK?

Zack: I’m sure they will be. It didn’t happen until around the nine hour mark anyway.

Manx: It’s nine hours long?!

Zack: God no…more like twelve. Remember, it’s only been through a couple editing processes, some of the CGI isn’t finished yet but it’s mostly done.

BlondeFury: Isn’t that a touch much? 

Zack: Hey. I’m a visionary. You guys ready to start?

Manx: Sure?


Zack: So, what did you think of the first two hours?

maluba: It was just the timeline of Man Of Steel from Bruce Wayne’s perspective…and he didn’t do anything. 

Zack: Right! We’re building backstory. Like, what’s Bruce Wayne up to? What’s going through HIS head during those events of Man Of Steel?

BlondeFury: He ate some eggs…and he didn’t do anything.

Zack: Right. So after the first film, Superman has to atone for saving the human race…



Zack: Superman is ordered to pay restitution for all those murdered people and things, so he proceeds to fly around the world and make it rain. He’s all, “Forget dead peeps! Get paaaaid!”

Manx: Where does he get the money?

Zack: …..What?

maluba: Superman’s not rich. Batman is.

Zack: …..

Zack: Like I said, we’re still going through the editing process.


Zack: This is one of my favorite set pieces. Metropolis builds it to commemorate his victory over Zod. The editors cut out that scene in Man Of Steel, but teabagging the General’s corpse while flipping off his tiny penis was Superman’s finishing move. 

BlondeFury: How do you know Zod has a small penis?

Zack: General Zod was bred to be the ultimate soldier. You don’t want a big floppy penis on the battlefield.

BlondeFury: Makes sense. Is that lady wearing bell-bottoms?


Manx: Why does Lex Luthor look like a douchebag?

Zack: I know! Right? So like, what do you think of when you think “villain”?

maluba: Hitler.

Zack: Great answer! That was our template. Lex is on a hoverboard ninety percent of the time, he vapes, he’s got a tramp stamp, he’s Jesse Eisenberg…you know, the perfect “villain”.



Zack: This is why I love Ben as an actor. He’s just got that brooding intensity that Batman fans demand.

BlondeFury: He’s been standing like that for twenty minutes. I think he locked his keys in the car.

Zack: Yeah, it was totally unscripted and I just let the camera roll. You know Batman’s a ninja, right? He could brood like that for days if he wanted to.


maluba: I had no idea Batman hated nudity so much. That’s like the fifth streaker he’s taken down or crippled.

Zack: If you think about it, it makes perfect sense. Why would a man cover ninety-seven percent of his body?

maluba: To conceal his identity and make it harder for bullets to find his flesh?

Zack: Sure, there’s that stuff, but I’m talking about what motivates him.

maluba: His parents were killed by criminals. He wants to smash criminals.

Zack: You’re still thinking linear. OK, if you were a bat and most of your body was covered in fur, what would bug you the most?

BlondeFury: Owls?

Zack: Bare skin. See where I’m going with this?

Manx: No, but if there’s any booze here I might.


Zack: One of my favorite scenes is this nightmare sequence at Burning Man.

BlondeFury: Why does Batman go to Burning Man?

Zack: Have you seen all the nudity at Burning Man?

BlondeFury: Oh, right. That again.

Zack: Besides, he doesn’t actually go. It’s just a dream thing. He gets the nude-sweats so bad, he has to put more clothes on over his Bat-suit. It’s kind of deep.


Zack: This is where our three main characters finally meet. It’s epic.

maluba: Is this a costume party?

Zack: No. Why do you ask?

maluba: Never mind.



Zack: This is the big moment. Bruce and Clark are finally alone and trading cocky jabs and feeling each other out. I tried to pump a certain kind of tension into this scene.

BlondeFury: Sexual tension?

Zack: Wow. You picked up on that? I wanted it to be really subtle. But the whole gay thing is big right now, and I thought I’d ride that.

BlondeFury: It was more subtle than the church scene in Man Of Steel.

Zack: Cool. I didn’t want to pound it in too deep.


Manx: Their epic showdown…is a rap battle?

Zack: Word up.

Manx: But I saw punching in the previews.

Zack: That’s the Hollywood trend now, dawg. Red herrings, yo! Throw a bunch of scenes into the preview that aren’t in the movie, G.

Manx: Stop talking like that. Batman’s armor suit was built just to hold twenty subwoofers?

Zack: Word. Superman has super bass booming ability with his beat boxing. How’s a bat supposed to front? This scene is so old school.

BlondeFury: It’s possibly the whitest thing I’ve ever seen.


Zack: Another epic moment! Wonder Woman finally makes her big screen debut! Kim Kardashian was awesome to work with.

maluba: That’s not Kim Kardashian.

Zack: Sorry, I meant Khloé.

maulba: No. That’s Gal Gadot.

Zack: …..oh, you mean she’s a Jenner! Kylie and Kendall are hot, too.

BlondeFury: Is Superman doing what I think he’s doing?

Zack: He’s really stoked about meeting a super powered woman. Imagine if your ejaculation could kill your girlfriend? To get into that mindset, I went home and constructed my own “Lois” out of tissue paper and went to town. She didn’t last long. I really feel for the guy.

maluba: Why is Batman hiding behind Superman?

Zack: Well, she IS showing a lot of skin, so he’s very conflicted.



maluba: After nine hours I thought I was going crazy, but Lex has been evolving into a pirate, hasn’t he?

Zack: You betcha! His story arc is one big metaphor and the…what’s up?

BlondeFury: I’m just looking up “metaphor” on my phone for you.


Zack: Doomsday, bitches!

maluba: He looks like a cave troll from Lord Of The Rings.

Zack: Yeah. Actually there’s a lawsuit going on with Peter Jackson right now, so I really can’t talk about Doomsday that much. I’m sure the graphics people and the lawyers will figure it all out.


maluba: I’m really confused about what’s going on here right now.

Zack: All that foreshadowing has finally paid off! When Batman sees this NAKED monstrosity, he goes into full berserker mode. He extends his indestructible Bat-claws and takes down Doomsday all by himself…are you OK?

BlondeFury: I just felt a disturbance is all, as if millions of Marvel fanboys cried out in terror. 

Zack: My legal team has advised me to not discuss this scene too much until the logistics are worked out. I’m pretty confident in my vision, though.


Manx: Did you lift your final act from that Super Powered Beatdowns website?

Zack: If there’s one thing fans want to see more than Superman vs. Batman, it’s Darth Vader vs. Batman.

BlondeFury: Tripling down on the copyright infringement? 

Zack: Well, I’ll be honest. I ran out of time, and those guys had already done the work so…

maluba: …the lawyers will figure it out?

Zack: Totally. Well? What did you guys think?

BlondeFury: We’ll take…forty shares.


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  • #1
    01/02/2016 4:12 pm

    Well, good, I don’t have to see the movie now.

  • #2
    01/03/2016 3:01 pm

    Props to Madmann for letting us use the private jet.

    Mea Culpa, “sneaked past dozens of armed guards”, means we killed and mutilated them. We didn’t have to, we had passes…we just wanted to.

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