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Sunday, February 14, 2016

     Republican candidates took time after last night’s heated debate to hold a followup debate on a special live episode of The Jerry Springer Show today. “Well, I’m usually in my pajamas most Sundays, but after watching the debate last night, I knew there was ratings gold in them thar hills,” said Mr. Springer. Instead of lounging around his house, sipping cognac and watching Netflix, the daytime talk show host decided to open up his studio and invite all five leading Republicans to a spirited debate of the issues. “I knew this was going to be a bad one,” said Desmond Jones, a member of the Jerry Springer security team. “I’ve had to hold down three crackheads and their mother-in-law who was married to two of them, but that was nothing compared to this,” he said. Noticeably sweating and jittery before the show, Desmond exclaimed, “I just had a kid, man.” Jones’ fears were quickly realized, “We leave props around, like chairs and sometimes potted plants, in hopes that one of the guests weaponizes them.  It was kind of snowing and sleeting outside so most of the candidates had umbrellas. As soon as Rubio and Cruz came into the the room and locked eyes, it was go time.” Desmond goes on to describe the encounter, “I’ve seen dog fights, bear fights, shark fights and mantis fights. None of them held a candle to this.” Dialog between the front runner and Jeb Bush started out cordial. Desmond said, “So Rubio and Cruz were going at it, but Trump and Jeb just kind of stood there and traded policy jabs. At one point, The Don said something about George W. Jeb told Trump to leave his family out of it. Then Donald said, “Hey, Jeb! Your mamma’s so old, the Crypt Keeper sued her for trademark infringement.” Now I’ve been working security most of my life,” continued Mr. Jones, “and I know when someone’s packin’ a shiv. Both Michael and I noticed it tucked up under Jeb’s Rolex when he walked into the studio. We didn’t think anything of it at the time because…well, you know…Jeb.” Things took a grisly turn after that. “With the Bushes, as soon as you throw down the “mamma” jokes, all bets are off. Micheal and I barely made it to Jeb before he got to Trump’s kidneys. We wrestled the shank out of his hand, but he was really sweaty and got out of the hold I had him in. The next thing I knew, Trump’s on the ground and JB’s fists are flying and he keeps yelling over and over, “YOU TAKE THAT BACK! YOU TAKE THAT BACK!”" When asked about the fifth Republican contender, John Kasich, Desmond Jones’ eyes widen and he replies, “Oh yeah, that guy! That dude’s a ghost, man. We barely noticed him enter the studio and it kind of freaked us out when he attempted to engage the other candidates in discussion. We were like “Whoa, where the hell did that guy come from!” Then, when the shit hit the fan, he just kind of vanished. Dude’s a ninja or something.”

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1 Comment

  • #1
    02/20/2016 1:26 pm

    There’s all kinds of good in that chop. Rubio’s tie headband and the appalled look on Kasich’s face. Great scene.

    So, did Dr. Ben have to save the Donald? Enquiring minds an all.

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